See these girls? None of them put out. None.
|
Lesson for the day -- KlfJoat @ 1:24 pmirony -
2. An occurrence, result, or circumstance notable for an incongruity between what might be expected and what actually occurs.
I Am My Shoulders?!? -- Sharkey @ 12:10 pm Event: The Goonies in a glorious new print VIP: Sean Astin will be presenting before the start of the feature *sigh* ...Next customer who calls is getting muffled Japanese profanities instead of support.
I'm going away for another kickass camping trip to Joshua Tree this weekend, which means that it is time for God to arrange a wide array of cool shit to happen around here while I'm gone. I thought it would end with just missing a Reel Big Fish show, as well as another swank local band. That, I can handle. Then, the mighty Killbot clues me in to this not-so-celestial-yet-still-heavenly event. Date: Saturday, 2 March 2002
Good one. Why not just have all those things combined into one show, which includes a Ruth's Chris steak dinner, a free shot at sucker-punching Jared the Subway guy, and the debut of Natalie Portman's lesbian porno film with Fernanda Martinelli.
|
But what? -- Jeff @ 8:36 pm God doesn't exist. Gary Coleman has left the building.
What? How could this be? Did he leave his beloved home at BAMF HQ to plumb the depths of UGO depravity?
Temptation Island 3: Season Of Celibacy -- Sharkey @ 12:56 pm It seems that in response to this sort of disinterest in their normal crappy shows, executives at religious networks are aiming to innovate. In this case, they're a good decade late. Way to catch up to modern television tactics guys, because there's nothing I'd rather watch than "Road Rules: Christian Style". Starnes got the idea after watching a Road Rules marathon on MTV. "I noticed they were using faith concepts, talking about trust and team work, and I thought, 'Wouldn't it be cool if we could do a show like this from a Christian perspective?'" he said. "To show people Christians aren't freaks — they are normal people." Maybe he missed that the real interest in shows like Road Rules and The Real World comes not from team-building or any of that bullshit, but in the conflict and generally loose morals that run rampant. Who gives a rats ass about whether or not these kids can overcome adversity? When are the two hot chicks going to make out? And why haven't the white guy and the token black chick come to blows yet?
I have nothing against religious television. In fact, good for them, most TV is chock full of crap that I wouldn't want my kids watching anyways. My offspring would no doubt inherit my frightening intellect and insatiable thirst for power, so I don't need them getting any ideas from television that "offing" their evil father will bring fortune and glory. Let their mother instruct them on that. But paternal insticts (or lack thereof) aside, I don't bother to watch any of that crap. Frankly, if it doesn't contain people being maimed, beaten, or forced to cry, it isn't worth my half-hour of attention. TruthQuest: California is a Christian reality program that aims to prove not all of America's youth are selfish deviants, despite ample evidence to the contrary offered on other shows. The brainchild of Baptist Press assistant editor Todd Starnes, the 13-episode series will debut in October on the FamilyNet channel and its affiliates, reaching as many as 38 million homes.
...
This might be one of the worst possible ideas in the history of television. But you know what? Christian kids are going to watch anyways. And they will not be entertained. But they'll pretend that they are, because they feel guilty wishing that Candice the Bible-thumper would cheat on her boyfriend with the youth pastor. How sad.
BTW, if you turn this into an anti-religion set of comments, I'll lay the mo'fucking smack down. When you bicker on in pointless arguments that go absolutely nowhere, I want to jab a rusty fork in my eyes. Wait, not mine. Yours.
OddTodd Dot Fucked -- Sharkey @ 3:02 am He doesn't have the money; the tip jar has been paying his rent. "I really am unemployed," he said. "I really am broke." Another one gets kicked in the ass for his web popularity. Maybe this guy should get together with Mahir and discuss just how much they wish for the rabid dedication of "All Your Base Are Belong To Us" fans. Or maybe the goatse.cx guy...
Just got forwarded a story regarding that OddTodd.com guy, with the amusing flash animation about his life as an unemployed former-dot-commer. Seems that the US government doesn't take too kindly to his "taking advantage" of unemployment benefits while taking donations and selling coffee cups online. Dig:The other problem, however, is that unemployed people are supposed to be actively looking for work, not spending all of their time answering e-mail, drawing cartoons and getting interviewed on television about being unemployed. So there is a good chance, Rosenberg said, that he will be asked to repay the last seven weeks of his unemployment benefits - close to $3,000.
*shakes head*
|
61% of Muslims are Retarded. -- FaaQ @ 2:30 pm
Thats right folks:The survey also found that 61 percent said they did not believe Arab groups carried out the terrorist attacks on New York and Washington. Of those surveyed, 18 percent said they did believe Arab organizations were responsible
Look at the serious state of denial a majority of Muslims are in. Even when given overwhelming evidence of OBL and Al Qaeda’s involvement in the 9/11 attacks they still deny what is so obvious to every critical thinking individual on the planet. I haven’t seen this level of ignorance since the OJ trial. I hate to keep beating a dead horse, but something is seriously wrong with a culture that would blame Israel or the Mossad for the 9/11 attacks without a single shred of evidence to support it, yet when faced with overwhelming evidence that someone on their side is responsible they completely ignore it. I still laugh at those who actually believe that 4000 Jews didn’t show up to work on the day of the attacks, like theres some kind of fucking BatPhone for Jews:
Random Jewish WTC Worker: ”Hello”
Secret Cabal of Jewish Power Elite Voice Messaging Service: “Don’t go to work we are blowing up the WTC”
Random Jewish WTC Worker: ”Thanks”
Actually, calling them retarded insults retarded people. Go ahead and let the bitchfest begin.
Source: Gallup Poll
Odd Link Request Of The Day -- Sharkey @ 1:52 am Anyway, when I get more ridiculous link requests, I like to actually respond to the recipient. Well, I like to, but I don't. Hey, I'm a busy guy. But today's e-mail just happened to catch my eye, and I had to share it with you, my good friends. Enjoy. Hi, I reviewed badassmofo.com and would like a link from it to my client's web site. In exchange, I'll post a link from their site to yours. Exchanging links will help bring in more business for both your web site and my client's. An added benefit is increased search engine traffic because the search engines rank sites higher that have a good number of Our client is a premium gourmet chocolate fudge company. The fudge is carefully handmade, with only 100% pure and natural ingredients. Please let me know if you are interested in exchanging links. I'll send you more details once I hear back from you. Looking forward to your reply. Sincerely, Well Kim (can I call you Kim?) I'm not exactly looking for more visitors at the moment. See, I get a ton of traffic, especially for a site like mine, so more people reading the site isn't exactly what interests me. What interests me is keeping the content fresh and interesting every single day. Now that doesn't mean we can't deal, because you have a way to get me what I want, and I have a way to get you what you want. What am I talking about? Fudge. Everybody likes fudge, honestly. And my troops really enjoy the tastiness inherent in every bite of the chocolicious fudge. So if your client puts out a quality product, as you say, I would be most happy to exchange a ton (and I mean far more than your standard link exchange can provide, I guarantee it) of hits for some sweet samplings of your client's product. And coincidentally, if you have any clients who provide services including (but not limited to) beer, pretzels, beer-flavored pretzels, and/or those pizza bagel things, I would be most grateful to hear from them as well. And if there are any other clients which would suit the interests of a site like mine, please, refer me to them. No, this e-mail has not been a joke. I eagerly await your response. Sharkey Holy crap. Is anyone else hungry?
I get a whole lotta link requests in any given week. From kids with geoshitties accounts to odd new e-zines (c'mon guys, it's not '99 anymore) they come in droves, wishing for some of our traffic burden to shift onto their plate. Sadly, since we've nearly reached our traffic limit, I've had to invent new ways to keep those of you deemed "undesirable" in the guidlines of the MoFo Master Plan® from ever setting foot on this site again. Dammit, I make fun of the Canucks and the French nearly every day now. But do you jackasses leave? Of course not, you just come back with friends. *sigh*From: Kimberly Chambers
Well, seeing as how fudge related linkage isn't exactly what I'm looking for when building an army, I figured I'd just go straight for the tasty goodness:
Subject: badassmofo.com
relevant links.
Kimberly ChambersFrom: Sharkey
That's right. I used the word "chocolicious" in a business deal. I'll be sure to let you know what Kim thinks of my proposal.
Subject: Re: badassmofo.com
badassmofo.com
|
FINISH THE GAME!!! -- Sharkey @ 1:03 am Official site for the upcoming Tron sequel. If there are no light cycles in this movie, I'm afraid I'll have to string that Freddie Prinze Jr. guy up by his toes and let rabid wolverines tear apart his carcass. Do you want that, huh? Do you? Oh wait, of course you do. Alright, put the light cycles in, and Jr. gets the wolverine crotch makeover. Sound like a deal? I thought so.
[ TronKillerApp.com ]
|
That's All Folks -- Killbot1138 @ 9:19 am
Legendary animator Chuck Jones has passed away. Best known for his work with "Looney Tunes," Jones created some of the toon's most loved characters, including Road Runner, Wile E. Coyote, and Pepe Le Pew. "Looney Tunes" was an influential component of my childhood, as it was (or is) for many of you. Although the later years became diluted and pasteurized for the sake of nagging parents and the general PC blanket that covers the nation, the earlier work still stands as a benchmark of unadulterated spite and petty revenge in animation. That Daffy Duck was a miserable git, but I loved every minute of his antics. My mom usually tried to get me to watch other shows, but I absorbed enough of the Looney to turn me into the three parts snide smartass, one part asshole I am today. My thoughts and thanks go out to Chuck.
|
Are You Too Lazy To Dodge My Fists? -- Sharkey @ 4:32 pm This is his response, days later. *Includes original e-mail with original changes requested* Why do I get the feeling that he didn't even fucking look at the page that's so important to change? Is it instinct? Is it a latent psychic ability? Nope, just good old fashioned logical deduction. And since this asshat is obviously too lazy to click on a Goddamn link, he will most certainly be too lazy to save his own job when the "newest" revision that I just cranked out goes live. See, if he'd read the email he forwarded back to me again, he might've noticed that it didn't contain all of the changes. Just some. Thankfully his boss already hates him, and this is not even close to a risky move for me. Spite, vengeance, these are the tools of my trade. You better learn 'em quick son, before an old hat like me eats you alive.
Mother of crap, I thought that I was lazy. This jackass over at a company that outsources HTML editing to me (now that's laziness, you piss-poor excuse for a techie) sent me an e-mail the other day, laced with anger regarding changes that were requested. Take a look:Customer: "Did we drop the ball on these changes? Why were they not implemented? I forgot where we left off. I need these changes implemented this week. Please advise."
Now, this was a reasonable request. Except for the fact that this was a reply to my last email to him, containing a link to a page with all the requested changes and one simple line: "E-mail me back, tell me that the changes are fine, and I will make them live." It's right under his e-mail for cryin' out loud, all he had to do was look down. Oh well, I e-mail him back a few minutes later, and state that all he has to do is approve the changes, (specifically stating that he has to e-mail me with a simple 'yes' or 'no') and I am then able to do the rollover. Simple, no? Customer: "Why are the changes not implemented yet?!?"
Again, this was a response to my last message to him, asking for the yes or no answer. I am now slightly agitated, because his superiors are getting upset. And when his superiors get upset, our cash flow is affected. So I e-mail him back, detailing specific instructions that he must say "yes the changes work" or "no the changes dont work". SIMPLE. Look at the page, that's all it takes. So that brings us to today's message from him:Customer: "As long as these things have been done, go ahead. E-mail me when it's done."
....
Drop the bag. -- FaaQ @ 1:29 pm Why didn’t he just let go of the bag? Many people have a bag in their mouths that they refuse to let go of, myself included. Maybe some of us should drop it before we smash into a truck.
The other day I was driving home from work and saw a Seagull flying down the street with a plastic shopping bag in his beak. Because the bag was catching a lot of air and causing major lag on his ability to fly, the seagull was flying very low and close to the ground. I watched this for a minute perplexed, but when he smacked right into the windshield of a passing truck and exploded on impact it got me thinking.
I Knew Curling Was An Ill-Omen -- Sharkey @ 11:34 am Everybody does their best, and everybody goes home a winner. Doesn't that just sound like a utopian dream, kids? *Sigh* Bolt Boy's right, anything with a judge is no longer to be considered a sport. Therefore, there will be no judged competitions in the Olympics, or even on my television for the next couple of months at least. This, I decree on behalf of all mankind. Oh, boxing no longer requires a judge. Fight 'til one of you is unconscious or dead, sissies.
Honest to crap, how many countries are going to cry a fucking river over the Olympics this month? Everybody's a damn whiner, and it's getting to a rather sickening point. Next thing you know, we're not even going to have "winners" and "losers" because everything in competition is going to be deemed completely subjective. Teacher: "I'm sorry, Lisa, but giving everyone an equal part when they're clearly not equal is called what, again, class?"
Damn straight. You can take your bitching and cram it with walnuts, Russia. This brings the number of compaining countries up to the near double digits, doesn't it? Sooner or later, wouldn't you just want to shut your mouth for the greater good?
Class: "Communism!"
Vicki: "That's right. And I didn't tap all those Morse code messages to the Allies 'til my shoes filled with blood to just roll out the welcome mat for the Reds."
Oh yeah. -- FaaQ @ 10:10 am
Fuck Off Llamasex!
|
They are now among us -- Jeff @ 8:26 pm Little does Sharkey know that I have honed my mindwaves into powerful beams of influence upon the next wave of BAMF foot soldiers. No, not the ones that the Shredder used. In my almost one-year absence, I have, well, sat around a lot and played PS2. But after that, I spent many long minutes a day staring out the window at a vast and untapped legion of unwilling servants. And I'm not talking about Juanita the illegal alien that was washing my clothing. Sciurus carolinensis. I'm talking about the foulest beast of them all. The squirrel. Soon I was able to use my vast and all-encompassing intellect to, uh, make them do stuff - like Aquaman, only with rodentia instead of mollusca. Now they are my soulless shock troopers, bent on the destruction of anything they can get their screwy little claws on. About 20 students had been in a portable classroom with the door open when "the squirrel waltzed in," said Principal Terry Stanfill. "Everybody ran outside," Wyatt said. Then the squirrel chased them back inside, Stanfill said. This time they closed the door, he said. Stanfill said he went to the other classrooms to alert teachers not to let students out. "We've got a wacko squirrel," he said.
Much has been said by Sharkey of the simian hordes he keeps stashed away at BAMF HQ. Frankly, I don't know how he lives with such filthy animals. Sure, they're good for doing his bidding when it comes to rabble-rousing, picking fights with eurotrash, and just general hooliganism. But the stench of said primates is overpowering and requires bucket after bucket of OxyClean to keep his work clothes (and countertops, and floors, and back hair) fresh and shiny. Shit, that stuff's like $19.95 for a limited time only; it goes up to an astonishing $99 a tub once they get you hooked."Staff . . . stated there was a vicious squirrel on campus," said sheriff's Detective Chuck Wyatt.
What a buildup for a lousy article about a lunatic squirrel. How many other places on the web will make you fight through so much bullshit to get to the meat of a story? None, I tell you. We've got the market fucking cornered.
Shove your stereotype -- KlfJoat @ 2:25 pm "What really got my curiosity going ... was a picture of a newspaper clipping of our military from the war," Jones said. "I grabbed a paper towel ... washed my hands ... and bolted out of there, and went and got one of the National Guard." Jefferson Parish Sheriff Harry Lee said that the dogs initially gave signals that the box contained some sort of explosive substance. However, when the package was investigated further, it was found to contain two containers of gumbo. Stepping away from the sarcasm for a moment, I'll bet that "the substance" the dog was reacting to in the package was the fucking gumbo. He's a dog, he's hungry, and he doesn't get fed if he doesn't find explosives. Get real people.
How about a story with a little more detail?The package was discovered around 4:30 p.m. by traveler Chris Jones, who was waiting for his flight.
So let me see if I have all of the facts now. This guy wasn't a native, who would have recognized the smell of gumbo. This guy lives under a rock, or else he would have noticed that stories about our military from "the war" are in every newspaper section except the classifieds and comics. He also felt calm enough about the package to wash and dry his hands, before causing the evacuation and 5-hour backup of an international airport.When the dogs reacted to the package, the bomb squad was called.
Well of COURSE the dog is going to react to the package. Picture this: You're a sweet little canine in the deep south, performing your day job of sniffing out bomb material (as opposed to your night job of chasing black people up into trees), it's 4:30, and you're starting to get that rumbly in your tumbly. You know that your training is dependant on you ONLY being fed when you find bomb materials. You're sniffing along in the bathroom and smell, through the stench of shit and filth, some homeland gumbo. So you figure that if you indicate this package, you might get some of the gumbo.
Stereotypes Kick Ass -- Sharkey @ 11:43 am Officials said the box was suspicious because it was wrapped with newspaper clippings showing long lines of passengers at the airport. In other news, I've apparently lost it. One of our customers had some sort of ASP-related problem, so of course they filter him to me. Upon solving his problem, the following velediction occurred:
Some days, my job is accomplished before I even begin typing. Looks like it's gonna be one of those days...Two concourses at the New Orleans international airport were evacuated Wednesday because of a suspicious package found in a men's restroom. A bomb squad found containers of gumbo in the box.
Well. Not much else you can say, really. I could make a million cracks about them finding those cheap Mardi Gras beads, or shutting down a terminal due to uncooked Cajun shrimp, but none of that is really necessary. Let's just enjoy this one, and move on. Customer: "Hey, thanks for the speedy help."
You have a good time? What the fuck was that? Even as I was saying it, my brain was trying to tell me that I was about to make an ass of myself. Maybe it was my cold, hardened heart finally turning soft that made me say it anyways. That, or the fumes from the Liquid Paper® that I huffed before the call. Whichever it was, the donkey in the corner is feeling it too.
Me: "No problem."
Customer: "All right, I'm going back to testing my scripts."
Me: "OK, you have a good time."
Customer: "...." *click*
|
And you thought you outgrew them. -- Jeff @ 7:42 pm Voltron's Office of Homeland Security is in the Heeouse! culled from uh, these guys whose name makes no sense to me A Modern-Day Fable by the mighty Ivan Brunetti Lost at Sea by the cooler-than-killer-cars Bryan O'Malley via Oni Press In other news, I was thinking of doing a Hoobastank cover band and calling ourselves Grabadump. I just love bands that try to rip off the Refused and do a piss-poor job at it.
What the world needs now is love. And boatloads of fucking super awesome great comics.
I hate Script Kiddies more than Fucktards -- Orion @ 1:34 pm this script kiddy and this one and tell them that impersonating Sharkey is
I love headers. I'm sure these fucktards do now, too.
normally a capital crime.
Domo Arrigato, Senzuri Uniko -- Sharkey @ 12:51 pm
Nothing spruces up your Wednesday like a little bit of Engrish goodness. Dig:The good point of ukulele is "very easy" Don't think about difficult things.Let's play ukulele.
Man's got himself a point there. Not just a point, but a good life lesson.
Yeah, I don't know. Maybe they "bond" more with their instruments in Japan. And that's not a euphamism. However, I would like to know just what the fuck is going on in "Capter9 About stroke". Take a look:
Come on now. This is a family show. Perverts.The rhythm is very important thing,but I haven't say about rhythm .You may say "Why have you tell me about the rythm"and cry.But I decide to say below.
How 'Bout A Lil' Three-Way Palindrome, Baby? -- Sharkey @ 10:25 am See, if you follow the Gregorian (ie: that day/month/year bullshit that the Brits and pretty much everyone besides the mighty USofA utilizes) calendar, at 8:02PM tonight it will be 20:02 20/02/2002. Fortunately for us Americans, we get to ignore the Godless military time, and have two of these in one day. Unfortunately, since we operate on the Holy-Trinity ordained month/day/year calendar, we only get this nifty little number: 02:20 02/20/2002. Unless you want to play around with the seconds, or knock off the first two numbers in the year, we kinda get the shaft when it comes to the palindrome game. This really brings us to only one logical solution, my fellow Americans... Destroy Britain. What, you thought I was going to say "switch to their calendar system?" Heh, fuck that. This is America baby, you conform to us or get swatted on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper. For crap's sake, we don't lock up our most dangerous criminals (at least, not for very long) we just throw 'em on television for entertainment. Isn't that right, Iron Mike?
I had to bring it up. Partly because it's interesting, but mostly because I'm not in the mood to be creative. If you didn't know about the triple palindrome that occurs tonight at 8:02PM, that's because you're ill-informed, and that's why we have these classes, kids.
Damn straight. See, the only real culture that would even think to complain about us forcing our calendar system down every other country's throat would be the Brits. And that's only because they're so close to the French, which would frankly make anybody a crabby bitch. Still, we can't have them going around singing the praises of the metric system anymore either, because I think we're all pretty tired of hearing that shit. Kilometers? Gimme a break. I talk about my car's gas mileage, not gas kilometerage. Eliminate those excess syllables and you'll live longer. Besides, can you imagine a woman wanting to sleep with you after you say the word "milliliter?" Of course, the same could be said of "palindrome", so I'm going to bring this post to a close.
|
Freewheelin -- Jeff @ 7:35 pm The most orgy-esque moment of any of my classes involved looking at a slide of a Baroque painting of a guy making a money offer to a hooker. However. the teacher quickly went to the next slide so as to stop the class from making out with each other in the lecture hall. She did us a favor; art history students tend to be an ugly bunch.
Now we know which class Sharkey is really teaching. Some of the good and wholesome college folk out at UC Berkeley have gotten their Male Sexuality 101 class suspended after having a class-sponsored orgy that involved teachers being watched while performing strip shows and having sex on stage. I guess this gives new meaning to "extra-curricular activity.""Those sorts of activities are not part of the approved course curriculum," Felde said. "We need to find out what the situation is. All we have now is a report in a student newspaper."
Scooped by a student newsrag... that's the most embarassing part. Well, it is if you don't include polaroids-of-your-genitalia section of the story.
Feel De Wrath Of Cleo, Mon! -- Sharkey @ 5:16 pm Well, you're right. Good job. Unfortunately, Miss Cleo has powers far beyond your mortal comprehension. I have a sinking suspicion that she's going to snap any day, and level the planet. I don't want to conquer rubble, so I'm afraid I cannot let that happen. For this reason, and this reason alone, I will utilize the mighty BAMF Simian Army in the aid of another human being. True, the destruction will be terrible, what with the screaming and the writhing and the gnashing of the teeth. But it sure as Hell beats this vision of the future I was delivered by carrier pigeon:
If you guys don't know about the current legal case that the FTC has brought against Miss Cleo and her psychic network, you are far and gone out of the loop. I'm not sure why, but I probably got that link from a good 30 of you this week. I see, you think that just because we here at the MoFo made a flick co-starring the mistress of the cards that I'm interested in every single Cleo-related piece of information?
Oh well. Like we needed to keep Florida around anyways. It's high time you kids learned the difference between an asset and a liability.
And just because he knows what a fan of Cleo we are, my homie TBA has hooked me up with a couple of psychic pieces of hilarity. First up there's the Miss Cleo Soundboard. Worth it just to have her say "I LUB YOU!" whenever you need to hear it. Then of course, somebody had to put the thing to good use.
It's My Head, Schwartz! It's MY HEAD! -- Sharkey @ 10:29 am Now, in the past my brain and body have combined forces to knock me out cold if I tried any advanced tactics. But in my strategizing, I have found a simple solution which has been working for over a month. I set the alarm for an hour ahead of when I have to get up. At the sound of the alarm, I wake up, set it for another hour in advance. Then I grab a Vitamin C (hey, nutrition is key, beeyotch) and wash it down with a glass of water. Then I hit the pillow for another hour, and wake up refreshed and ready for another day of... well, I wake up refreshed. That's the important bit. So everything's kosher, right? My internal clock is reset, I'm getting used to the hours, and minimal resistance from my blasted innards. Correction. Everything was kosher. For my brain and body have apparently been waiting for me to drop my defenses before springing a surprise attack. Because this morning, when I woke up, I found myself snuggled up next to something odd. Sorry to dissappoint, but it was not a cute lil' MoFemme. Take a look, I had to snap pictures of this:
If you've been reading the site for awhile, I'm sure you'll remember me discussing the ongoing battle (read that, it's important to the story) for cranial supremacy that goes on between my body and I. We disagree on a wide variety of subjects, from workout schedules to caffeine intake. But our most heinous of battles begins every weekday morning, when I attempt to get to work in a timely manner.
The fuckers dismantled the goddamn phone. I'd imagine that my brain shut itself down, in effect keeping me asleep, while my body did the ol' sleepwalk over to the alarm/phone. Without my analytical faculties, I'd wager that the body had to rip the phone off the hook in order to shut off the alarm. Then it kept the receiver in hand, and fell quietly back to sleep. As you can see by the pictures, I woke up a good 45 minutes late.
Perhaps instead of the Vitamin C, I should just inject a few thousand milligrams of caffeine into my veins. I might go on a homicidal rampage, but at least I'll get to work on time. And no more need for coffee.
|
Dickheads unite! -- Jeff @ 10:44 am
This just in: fraternities are filled with murderous assholes. Here's a hint to all of you who partake in the wonderful greek tradition at your local university. It's a pretty fair assessment to think that murdering somebody for revealing your quasi-racist institution's secret handshake is a tad overboard in the disciplinary department. I guess all that "community service" work gets the brothers in a violent mood.
|
Gunner Isn't The Only Cokehead Around Here... -- Sharkey @ 11:36 am
Well, it's official. Warner Brothers is moving ahead with the first Superman movie in a decade-and-a-half. Thankfully, they didn't sign on Oliver Stone to direct. He probably would've put Superman's ass into the flick, or worse. But that's the good news. The bad news is that they didn't do much better. They've given directorial duties to relative newcomer McG, whom you obviously won't remember as the director of the cinematic-train-wreck Charlie's Angels. Then to throw dogshit upon dogshit, they give scriptwriting duties to the guy who pens Felicity every week. I'm borrowing a gun from Solo and taking care of this one myself. Based on his box-office track record (i.e., turning Aaron Spelling's campy '70s series into a vital, high-octane $100 million hit), McG has been given total creative freedom to come up with his own spin on the Superman saga, Variety reports.
I'm only gonna say this once, McG. You screw up the Man Of Steel, and I will destroy you. Schumacher will get his for Batman one of these days, but the big S is a little nearer and dearer to this future evil despot's heart. I know you've got this thing for building your scenes around "nods" to directors past. Well quit it. Superman's got enough history of his own to make this movie grand. He doesn't need some specially designed scene to give "props" to Kurosawa, because Kurosawa is dead. And if he were alive, I'm sure he would hate you with or without the reference.
Belushi -- Raygun @ 2:04 am
*snort*
|
Movie Friday! -- Jeff @ 8:32 pm But most agreed that Crossroads is not as bad as Mariah Carey's flop film, Glitter. Normally I wouldn't even mention a movie like this, but that Anson Mount guy (Britney's love interest in the movie) is from my hometown. In rural Tennessee. And now he's chumming around with Britney and wrecking his budding acting career. Hell, he even gave Sarah Jessica Parker the clap on "Sex and the City." I'm mildly jealous.
Britney made a movie. We all knew it was going to suck. But you just have to give it up to Ananova for the great quotes.US critics have called Britney's acting "machine-like" and "awkward."
Definitely a case of the "lesser of two evils."
The Olympics Is Finally Interesting. Well, Not Really... -- Sharkey @ 1:17 pm Hmmm... this reminds me of a quote.... Who gives a shit?
[ Sale, Pelletier share gold with Russian pair ]Bill Clinton: "Thank you, Lisa, for teaching kids everywhere a valuable lesson: If things don't go your way, just keep complaining until your dreams come true."
Yeah, what happened to them was unfair, unjust, and against everything that the Olympics are meant to stand for. But I've got an even better point, that perhaps you hadn't thought of:
Marge: "That's a pretty lousy lesson."
Bill Clinton: "Hey, I'm a pretty lousy president."
To Serve Man Is A Cookbook! -- Sharkey @ 8:17 am In the first round, contestants will be judged on how fast they can down huge quantities of food --- bowls of mayonnaise, beef tongue, sticks of butter, and other edibles. Winners in each round earn a spot in the finals, which, as expected, is an all-out gorge-fest. How does That 80s Show get to stay on the air, yet comedy gold gets shoved out the back door? Not to mention a magical new series starring Seth Green and a talking puppet bunny. Yeah, that show was called Unhappily Ever After, except without the hot redhead. They must snort incredible amounts of cocaine during these marketing meetings. How else would they let Steven Bochco put out Cop Rock?
Pissed off that they're cancelling The Family Guy and (possibly) Futurama? So am I. But you've gotta hand it to Fox, they certainly come up with some interesting alternatives. On February 21, the biggest and fastest eaters from around the world are lining up for the most outrageous, gut-busting fest to hit the small screen -- "The Glutton Bowl: The World's Greatest Eating Competition." This two-hour, eat-'til-you-drop mouth-off pits 40 competitors in various face-stuffing challenges. Winners get, what else? A big cash prize and tons of free food!
For this, I have to miss out on Stewie and Bender? Fucking asshats.Exec: "So Steven, whaddya got for us this season?"
Hmmm... I was supposed to be to work by now.
Bochco: "Well, it's a cop show, and a musical, all rolled into one!"
Exec: "What the fuck? Musical?"
Bochco: "Yeah. Courtroom drama, gritty street action, with music and dancing and..."
Exec: "Excuse me.."
*SNOOOOORRRRRT*
Exec: "YYYYYEESSSSSS! BRILLIANCE STEVEN! I SEE IT NOW! SO-LID GOLD! What else you got?"
Bochco: "If you like that one, check this out: A spinoff of Doogie Howser starring his greasy little Italian friend and a robot who wants to be treated as a human!"
Exec: "Jesus Steven, I'm not that coked up. HEY! HEY! Somebody get those penguins outta here! And tell Ghandi to get the Hell off my pony!"
|
I told you once before but it bears repeating -- Jeff @ 6:31 pm Which brings me to the topic at hand: this very cool video by one of current favorite bands, The White Stripes. Music AND Legos?? What can go wrong? Nothing.
I'm so glad I don't have to buy a Valentine's Day gift this year, the first in six years. Now all that money I would have spent on a card goes directly back to ME, baby. More CD's for me, less love for everybody else. And Legos.
What? No, drive to my house -- Jeff @ 12:30 am Actually, I find most females incredibly disturbing because of their lack of basic logic and general all-round nuttiness. And it's guys like me who have always known this fact: the asshole always gets the girl. Ladies, watch out.
BItches bitches bitches. They're all over the place, and all the ever want is a piece of the Jeff. Because the ladies like it when you speak in the third person about yourself.Two ladies will be tested. The two ladies chosen were "Sarah" and "Katie". Katie is the typical nice girl, on one hand she will probably put up with a ton of shit, on the other she probably has idealistic image of how men are supposed to act, think: Gentlemen. Sarah is your typical raving bitch, she won't put up with any shit, on the other hand her image of men is less idealistic and more "bad boy", think: Biker Trash. Both ladies will experience "Sabastian the asshole".
And it works for the guy, like a charm, much to the surprise of nice guys everywhere. I can see how it might play out if I did this at the bar.Me: "Hello, come here often?"
Sweet Fine Thing (hereto referenced as SFT): "Great line, ass."
Me: "Okay. How about, 'I've seen you down gin like an Electrolux all night, which is a sure sign you're an easy lay.' "
SFT: "Your place or mine?"
|
People get chunks of gold for this? -- Jeff @ 7:41 pm However, shitty-shitty-shit-shit like couples figure skating can easily become interesting if a controversy kicks in to take off our minds the fact that we just watched wildy effeminate men act like they have a wholesome hard-on for the least breastacular women in the world. On second thought, even a scandal involving judges paid off with the whole GDP of Russia isn't even beginning to interest me. However, the "two standard deviations below the norm" president of the International Consortium of Ice Fighting or whatever it stands for shows us how not to conduct a press conference and still keep any kind of dignity. Scratch that. Dignity was long forgotten when he took the job.
Winter Olympics. Bah. The only good thing a person can do with a figure skater is beat them up, take their skates, and remove absessed teeth with the blades. While on a deserted isle.
Quickies: Saving My Stamina For Tomorrow -- Sharkey @ 3:52 pm Now that we've accomplished that, I received an e-mail from longtime friend of the MoFo and brother of PiratePete, Sus. He wrote in to let us know about this little article (on a subject I beleive I brought up two weeks ago) which Sus describes perfectly when he says "Rosie's fat ass can't fit into the closet anymore." Stinking media whores, like any of us wants to think about her having any form of sexual relations. And another link I wanted to throw up was this article on the Limp Bizkit Guitarist search, which disputes claims made in this forum post that has been sent to me by a good thirty of you over the last week. I didn't post the original thread because, while I'm not a fan of that Fred Durst fellow, it sounded like a bit of bullshit to begin with. Huzzah for vindication yet again. Durst, however, is a catcock nonetheless.
First up, before I get my groove thang rollin', you should know that the mighty R33t.org is back in business. Yes, I knew about a week ago when someone carelessly linked to BAMF on their "super-secret test page." Just goes to show that I'm incredibly anal about the referrer logs. Well, anal or bored, take your pick. And while I'm in a link-whoring mood, go check out RegBarc's site, which has the seriously smoove layout.
I Am Where The Hate Goes To Breed, Baby -- Sharkey @ 12:47 pm Let me set the scene. Customer would like a website redesign. They come to me with the standard list of sites that they like, and would like a similar "look and feel" to these layouts. When prompted for examples of what elements they enjoy, rather than broad generalizations that the layouts "work for them", I am greeted with blank stares. I cannot discern a color scheme, button scheme, or even basic layout due to the variety pack of websites I have been given to choose from. No problem. I'm a professional, I come across this shit all the time. Just crank out something slick, with a few similarities to a couple of the classier sites, and we'll be in business. So after narrowing down a neutral color scheme, and one of two possible layouts, I present them with a comp design. I don't have high hopes that they will go for it, as they haven't given me any discernable input yet. This is the "lure" which will weed out what they like and dislike. Easy trick, been using it for ages. So, in response to this, I have created an asp script that rotates in and out various portions of each design, with that third as-of-yet-unused color scheme thrown in to cover all the bases. He's got to narrow down what he likes now, right?
I'm starting to understand the mentality of a mass murderer. Maybe they're not sick in the brain to begin with. Maybe they just had to deal with so many stupid fucking problems that the sanity cables within the grey matter snapped. OJ was tech support at heart, I'm convinced of this now. Customer: "We liked the design you came up with, but we want you to change a few things."
This brings us to comp number two. Also filled with guesses as to what they want in the site. Very clean, very slick, easy-to-read buttons, and a drastically different color scheme. Let's try this again.
Me: "Such as?"
Customer: "Like the color scheme. And we want something simpler. And bigger buttons, those are hard to read."
Me: "Simpler. Bigger buttons. Gotcha. What colors do you want?"
Customer: "We gave example sites. Go from those."
Me: "Those colors were from a sample site."
Customer: "Try another one."
Me: "Which one do you like best?"
Customer: "This one, that one, or that one." *three completely different color schemes*
Me: "You don't have one that you like more than the other?"
Customer: "I don't know. I'm not a designer."Customer: "I don't think we like this color scheme."
To dispute the obvious, I pointed him towards comp #1 yet again. No dice, same response. Buttons too small, colors too wrong, layout too cluttered, even though it's strikingly similar to comp #2. The customer cannot see the obvious ass-hattedness of his dual positions for each.
Me: "*sigh* Is there another one you'd like?"
Customer: "I kinda like these two." *one of which has identical colors to comp #1.
Me: "...OK."
Customer: "Can you make the buttons smaller? These take up too much space. Try something like this." *uses buttons smaller than in comp #1 as an example*
Me: "*rubs temples* OK. Anything else?"
Customer: "And it's kind of... stagnant, you know? Spruce it up a bit, make it a little bit busier."Customer: "I don't know about any of this. Can we try some different color schemes?"
I'll be in an abandoned tin shed in the mountains with my guns if anybody needs me.
|
Hey Where're Da White Women At? -- Sharkey @ 2:40 pm Maybe he could co-speak with Mike Tyson.
Let's play a word game, shall we? Here, we take the name of a celebrity, and throw them into an oxymoronic situation. Like "Larry King hosts a marriage counceling session." Or how about "Michael Jackson sponsors anti-child pornography fundraiser." Would you believe: "OJ Simpson promotes peace at concert?" I know, far fetched as it may seem, the last one is indeed the truth. I can see it now...OJ: "Listen up kids, we gotta band together! We gotta stand up for peace! If I can go 7 years without killin' nobody, so can you! Yeah, cuz I'm the Juice! An' if you don't start promotin' peace, I'll make your ass dissappear and then I'll kill yo' mothafuckin' cat! I don't give a damn, I won a Heisman, thucka! An' bitch, you BEST not be lettin' that cracka drive MY mothafuckin' car! I'll slit his... HEY, don't take the Juice's mic, the Juice ain't done talkin!"
That's what I imagine Orenthal saying, if he can make it to the arena without beating up some poor schmuck in a Suburban along the way.
Round 1. FIGHT! -- Sharkey @ 11:54 am Monkey Vs. Robot Anybody else have some input? Perhaps "sex with Chelsea Clinton" vs. "a punch in the balls?"
Which Is Better? This thing is great, there are some really satisfying answers.
Me Vs. The French Army
"G-String" Vs. "Thong" (damn straight)
"Speak My Language" Vs "Vegemite Sandwich"
Corey Vs. Corey! (like that was a mystery)
Wars Vs. Trek (Finally, closure)
|
Personal Loss -- Orion @ 10:11 pm Instead, there was a death in my family and as a result I posted comments from my father's house in Merced on Saturday and just got home right now. I'm heading out to Connecticut since my grandmother is to be buried there. Tentatively the wake is Thursday and the funeral Friday. I'm not going to post anything else this week because I'm really sad over the loss. I guess I should point out that of all my family, this grandmother was two things. First, she was my last living grandparent. Second, she and I never failed to get along. I've had issues with every other member of my family in the past, but even when I was going ballistic my grandmother was always loving and supportive of me. As my hands are shaking as I'm typing this, I'm going to cut it short by simply saying that I loved her dearly and will miss her as I consider this a tragic personal loss.
My original plan for last weekend was to watch Rollerball and Collateral Damage and post reviews so that I can get on track for keeping Movies up to date.
I Weep For Our Children's Future -- Sharkey @ 6:58 pm Then there's Kool Blue - a sky blue seasoned French fry, and Cocoa Crispers -- a brown chocolate fry designed "for kids with a sweet tooth." One of the rejected ideas was Fruit Loops-flavored fries, Carroll said. Somehow, through the horror of financial stupidity, Heinz's stock rose today. This just goes to show why the Malthion X Solution must be implemented immediately. For God's sake, it's chocolate french fries, people! If the applicant is wearing a helmet and elbow pads, don't hire him as your fucking Marketing Director!
Hey, how about I make your stomach churn with bubbling vomitous acidity? Doesn't that sound nice? I thought so. Feast your eyes on Heinz's chocolate fries, and other "tasty" treats. No, I'm not kidding. ...No, I'm really not kidding. Take a look:The new products include French fries flavored with sour cream and chives, or cinnamon and sugar, and a new product called Crunchy Rings - basically Tater Tots with a hole in the middle.
*stares, jaw agape in revulsion*"We asked the kids what would make them want to eat more French fries," said John Carroll, managing director of North American potatoes and snacks for Heinz' frozen food division.
Well of course it was rejected. We wouldn't want to go fucking nuts now, would we?
3 Years, eh? -- KlfJoat @ 11:25 amThree years. That's how much longer our military correspondent Wags must tour around the globe with the military.
*does the math*
So that means Wags will be back soon? Maybe we'll get another poster around here...
Old skule in this hiz-ouse -- KlfJoat @ 11:12 am For all of your Space Quest needs, check out Roger Wilco's Virtual Broomcloset.
According to GameSpot, the newest version of the Space Quest saga is back in development. Don't believe me? Well, then why has Sierra created a Space Quest section on their website?
And download the entire series while you're at it.
Happy Birthday, You Bloated Bitch -- Sharkey @ 11:04 am Three years. I didn't even think I'd live this long, let alone the site. Yep, things were a lot different back then. I think we had about 200 pageviews that first month, and about 42 unique visits. That's right. An average of about 1.5 people per day. We were rockin'. Then we got Slashdotted a couple of months later, and I thought "6000 uniques in a month?!? Inconceivable!" Now the main page alone blows through 6000 of you before lunchtime. Of course, that's also a problem. I don't want to throw a downer into the site's birthday, but in case you hadn't noticed, this place is slower than a retard skippin' jump rope. A lot of it has to do with the extra readers we picked up after that Christina Aguilera fake porno fiasco last month. Of course, we were already near our traffic peak at that point, and the extra few thousand forum goers (registered and lurkers) and around 1500 extra main page readers that resulted from the Aguilera thing has pushed us into molassesville. Do me a favor, go read this forum post and my comment towards the bottom. If you have any ideas or ways to help, please do. Otherwise, enjoy the site as you always have. Happy birthday BadassMoFo.com, my paradoxical source of both sanity and insanity.
Guess what day it is? No, don't really guess, because I doubt anyone on this planet besides me gives a shit. It's the third anniversary of the day that I opened this digital train wreck we call BadassMoFo.com. See for yourself (scroll to the bottom) BAMF shares a birthday with both Burton Leon Reynolds Jr., and the delicious Jennifer Aniston.
|
The Birds -- Raygun @ 4:53 am I find it depressing when I drunkenly gaze out the window at 6AM only to see the sun is just starting to peek through over the skyscrapers. It's then that even though my night has not ended and my physical hangover has not yet started, that my MORAL hangover begins. Then I grab another PBR and do another line and cease to care. BTW, I hate those goddam pigeons that hang out on the EL with their happy-go-lucky fucking singing and such. What the fuck do they have to be so happy about? It's not like pigeons can score a case of PBR's for under 8 bucks, much less an 8 ball for less than a hundo. Then again they can poop on people and not get arrested. Pooping on people is probably the main source of humor and happiness for pigeons. Fuckers. I'm goin to Sportmart tomorrow to buy a BB gun or some shit. Sometimes not. *snort*
Sometimes,
|
Cue Stan Bush's "Dare" -- Sharkey @ 10:00 am If you're not down with the Transformers, do yourself a favor and check this out. See what disliking Transformers gets you? Slapped in the face, you soulless bastard.
If you're down with the Transformers, do yourself a favor and check this out. Pretty swank.
|
Illness caused by sin says Vatican. -- FaaQ @ 11:58 am Presenting the Pope’s message for Lent, Archbishop Paul Cordes, the German head of the Vatican’s agency for humanitarian aid, maintained that there was scriptural authority for the idea that those who contract illnesses do so because they have sinned. Ok, honestly does it look like this Archbishiop Cordes is "Healthy and Good Looking?
Good golly, I guess I don't stop spanking the monkey or I will get the flu or maybe Cancer. I don't know have you looked at the pope latley, maybe hes rubbing one out every now and then.
A SENIOR Vatican official has asserted that illness is the result of sin and that people have a natural desire to be “healthy and good-looking”.
Don't Mess With Texas -- Sharkey @ 11:53 am But of course, on occasion, there are protests that I can get behind. The protest -- named something clever that rhymes with "sit-in" -- is scheduled for 11 p.m. Saturday at Sixth and Trinity streets. Both men (yech!) and women are welcome to take off their shirts for the movement. "Love fest no fighting!" the flier says. See, the reason the police are banning the exposing of female breasts at Mardi Gras on Sixth this year is, they say, that it starts fights among the guys. *Execs slide down poles in the corner of the office*
I admit, I have a prejudgemental attitude about protesters. To me, they are usually a bunch of shitbags with nothing better to do than complain like little pansies about something that won't change, especially due to their little charade. It's usually a pointless effort which causes my day to be interrupted with that much more idiocy. If only they'd get a hose and douse the damned hippies, then I'd at least be entertained. "We're going to have an act of (breast) civil disobedience," said Caroline, an Austin businesswoman who used to go topless at Barton Springs Pool in the '70s. "Basically, it's going to be a peaceful act of civil disobedience where hundreds of women take off their shirts at once. Let them arrest all of us."
Meanwhile, at the Girls Gone Wild headquarters...Exec 1: "...I sense a great disturbance in The Force®."
I need a Bat-Pole in my office. Go-go dancers wouldn't hurt either.
Exec 2: "Hmmm... I sense it too. I can smell blood in the water."
Exec 1: *pages secretary* "Get the lawyers on the phone! We're rakin' in another lawsuit!"
Exec 2: "To the Boobie-Mobile!"
*Execs emerge downstairs, clad in Hawaiian Shirts and beer hats*
|
Up And Atom! -- Sharkey @ 5:27 pm *OUTLOOK EXPRESS: You have 1387 unread messages* Hmmm... Fuck it. You didn't expect replies anyway, right?
After 1 month in the grave, my home machine lives yet again. My quest for world domination is now back underwa...eh?
Posting at Work Study -- Orion @ 3:42 pm These are government computers I'm using, so I guess I should count my blessings... 1) kcuf I guess if you get a bunch of lines of #) then I'm tish out of luck... I almost forgot... If I was the one that got pr0n to load at Disneyland, then this is really minor in terms of hurdles.
I have to admit that it was mildly annoying at first, but it's to the point where it has officially gotten old and I'm going to test some words for a possible work-around for my posting-at-work-study dilemna. This is a list of words that I know are censored, and if I can get them to work in this format (s p e l l i n g them out didn't work, I tried that before) then I'll just have to keep my poddy mouth at a minimum and/or post it like sh-- or something.
2) tish
3) gnikcuf
4) yhcrana (was censored in reference to A______ Online - go figure)
5) hctans ytsan (was censored in reference to Rosanne)
6) rim job (trying it forwards before boj mir is tested)
7) nmad (will damn work? dammit?)
8) timmad
You Gotta Do What Makes You Happy -- Sharkey @ 12:38 pm Then when you're finished enjoying that, you can e-mail Solo and ask why uber-hottie James King is not on the roster. I just saw her in Slackers last night, and let me tell you, I might have to add a new wife to my harem.
First thing you should do to make yourself happy? Go and check out Solo's latest incarnation of chicktourney.com. Go on. Go, dammit!
Sapphire Bullets. Bullets Of Pure Love. -- Sharkey @ 9:38 am *I quickly check her site, which is online and functioning* Me: "Odd. I can see your site just fine." If I had a gun and a bullet I'd be dead. Wait, not me. You.
This lady customer and I are to the "Hi" point in our relationship. Meaning that I can pick up the phone, she can say "Hi!", and I know right away that I'm in for some fucking trouble. How has our professional relationship reached this plateau? Because she calls me. Every. Fucking. Day.Me: "Hello?"
I'd say it took a good five minutes to convince her that she needed to call Cox, and leave me the Hell alone. Even then, she didn't trust me, and wanted me to stay late just in case Cox couldn't fix the problem for her. My attempts to explain the difference between "webmaster" and "tech support" were in vain. I didn't stay, but I received a lovely e-mail detailing every step of her system's recovery process.
Her: "Hi!"
Me: "Oh. Hi. What can I do for you?"
Her: "What did you do to my website?"
Me: "Um... nothing?"
Her: *agitated* "Well you must have done something, because I can't get to it!"
Her: "Well, I can't get any site, and I can't get my e-mail either! What did you do?!?"
Me: *sighs* "You can't access ANY site?"
Her: "That's right."
Me: "And this is my fault how?"
Her: *sighs, frustrated* "Be-CAAUSE. You said you were going to fix those tags on my website. I could access my site before you said that."
|
It's Work-Safe, I Swear -- Sharkey @ 4:04 pm Hmmm...
http://personal.bna.bellsouth.net/bna/j/d/jdspring/kikia.swf
Scorpion Wins. Fatality. -- Sharkey @ 2:36 pm The victim was identified as Gregory Shannon, 18. Kajtsa said Shannon was the boyfriend of Roache's ex-girlfriend. The woman was not identified because she was a witness. Roache allegedly broke into the house and cut off Shannon's head with a machete, Kajtsa said. Hey, you play tech support all day when you're not a tech support agent. See how well your sanity holds up, Mr. "Compassion For My Fellow Man".
Why is it when I hear the word "decapitation" I immediately think of Florida? Or was it... wait, no, that's what happens when I think of the word "idiots". Hmmm. Well, this story has decapitations, idiots, and the 27th state of the union all rolled into one. So uh... all's well that ends well, right? Police responded to a call at a St. Petersburg house to investigate reports of a fight and found Dennis Roache, 34, putting a man's head on the hood of a car, police spokesman George Kajtsa said.
Hmmm... something troubling about that story. Well, not the story itself, but my reaction to the story. See, my first instinct upon reading about this poor headless fella was to wonder about the obvious difference in ages between victim and attacker. In essence, I was pondering whether Dennis was robbin' the cradle, or if Greg was gettin' his cradle robbed.
Egad!!! -- FaaQ @ 11:22 am Then again this guys decision making process has been questioned before. Poor James will probably be visiting the pokey as he has decided to defend himself to Corruption Charges (this isn't the first time he's been under indictment since he took office for corruption of bribery charges). Click below for a few random images from the James Traficant Fun Photo Farm:
Good God! WTF is that growing on your head? Kill it before it spreads.
Honestly, when will this guy realize that its OK to be balding and remove that horrible rats nest from the top of his head. Does this guy look in the mirror before he goes outside and say "man you be dead sexy" and if you were a representative who was on TV as much as this guy wouldn't you at least get somebody to tell you how fucking not to look like you picked up roadkill off the street for a hat?
Mugshot
Guest Shot as Boss Hogg from Dukes of Hazzard
Is that Kevin Spacey in a wig?
|
Is Ephedrine Good For The Manic Depressive? -- Sharkey @ 3:32 pm Reel Big Fish have a new album coming out called "Favorite Noise". The site says that it hits Europe on March 12th, which means absolutely nothing to this Southern Californian. The hilarious thing about the Fish is that they never put out an album of all-new material. It's usually just a bunch of new versions of past songs, with a few new ones added in for flavor. Yet for some reason, I still buy and love their stuff. Probably all the inhalants I get high on during work hours. Wonderlove. I want to see these guys again. It's been a bit too long since I've seen them live for my taste. The CD, unfortunately, does not do their live act justice. I'd ask if any of my friends want to go see them, but since they are all illiterate, they do not read this site.
I support the arts. And to prove it, you are going to click on these sites and pick up a little culture. But wipe your shoes before you come back in, I don't want any "artsy" stuff staining my new carpet. Pop Mhan, a longtime friend of the MoFo, has updated his site with a new Flash interface. Pretty slick. Pop did this kickass comic called Spyboy, but then Dark Horse Comics decided to blatently disobey my decree and silently killed the title off. Remind me to send the monkeys their way next week.
Sweet Jebus, this site is running like Harry Knowles in the 40-yard-dash. Why not try checking out Matt's site. Matt is funny.
I Wish The Pen Had Killed Me -- Sharkey @ 10:45 am Me: "Hi, how can I help you today?"
Me. Want. Die.Boss tells me that a customer is waiting to speak to me about "webmaster" issues.
I wasn't crying. I was choking on my own hatred.
Customer: "Yeah, I'm a webmaster, and I need some help with a guy I've been doing this site for."
Me: "OK, what do you need?"
Customer: "Well I use Frontpage 98 to bla-bla-bla (goes into 5 minute schpiel of unrelated nonsense). So what I really need is to transfer the files via Zip disk to my customer so that he can update it from now on."
Me: "So... you need to copy files onto a Zip disk?"
Customer: "Yeah."
Me: "...and put them on his machine?"
Customer: "Yeah."
Me: "...I'm sorry, what did you need help with?"
Customer: "Well, I don't know how to do that."
Me: "It's...it's the same as copying something from one folder to another."
Customer: "I uh... I've never had to do that before."
Me: "...You click on the folder that you want to move, hold down the mouse button, drag the folder to where you want it to go, then release the button. It takes care of the rest."
Customer: "This sounds like a very complicated process. Can I have you walk me through it when I get back to my computer?"
Me: "..."
Customer: "Is someone over there crying?"
Warning: The Following Post Is Completely Pointless -- Sharkey @ 9:16 am Yup, you know it's going to be a shitty day when a cold liquid (ie: not mouth-temperature) drips onto your tongue from the pen, and it isn't ink. Now I'll be wondering all damn day. Told you this post was pointless. But what else are you going to do on a Monday morning? Work?
I can already tell it's going to be one of those weeks. I'm a person who rarely chews on pens, but somehow through my standard Monday rigamarole, I wound up biting on the end of a Flexigrip.
|
I am a Jedi -- Orion @ 2:15 pm Fry's had an ad in the paper that advertised Tribes 2 for $14.99 and $5 off at the register for an in-store price of $9.99. I got paid today, and $10 for a new (to me) shooter seemed worth the money. I decide to go on my lunch break, instead of buying food. I pick out a copy of the , and grab a 20 oz. Coke on the way to the register and decide to call that "lunch." I put both the and the Coke on the counter at the register and pull out a $10 and a $5. Register D00d tells me that it's just short of $13. Simple math tells me that my $.79 Coke, $9.99 , and 7.75% tax should come out to $11.62. More to the point, knowing that $11 doesn't have more than $1.10 tax, and since I'm at least $.10 under the $11 figure, my total shouldn't exceed $12, let alone bring me close to $13. What does this tell me? This tells me that either the guy at the register is trying to rip me off, or he's retarded. I inform him that the is advertised as $14.99 with $5 off in the paper. He tells me that it's $19.99 with $5 off. Well, if that were the case, then it would be over $15, not under it. It's still not certain whether he's trying to cheat me or just has his head in his ass. I err on the side of him trying to cheat me. I don't take well to being cheated - ask Sharkey if ya don't believe me. I drop the $15 that was on my hand onto the counter. The Force told me to do it, and I just went with the feeling. The supervisor shows up and informs Register D00d that indeed it is $14.99 with $5 off at the register. I use the force on Register D00d and he's convinced that I've paid him. He then "re-informs me" that the total is $12.04. (Yes I know it's still not quite right - he applied the $5 off after the tax instead of before tax.) He counts out $2.96 as change and hands it to me along with a receipt. The cash and the receipt drop on top of the $15 sitting there, and the pile, along with wallet, Coke, and bag (with in it) get scooped up and off I go. $10 for Tribes 2 turns into Fry's paying me $2.96 to take the and a Coke from them. If someone tries to rip me off, the best course of action is to rip them off instead. That or kick their teeth in, but in this case the extra money and free (and Coke) seemed the better thing to do. Oh yeah, I popped the top on the Coke and I won a free 20 Oz. Coke to top it all off. How was your day?
I have to preface this by saying that I never bothered buying Tribes 2 when it was new because (a) I heard it was full of bugs and (b) I had way too many MMORPGs that I was playing and thus no time for shooters.
I Think We're Alone Now -- Sharkey @ 12:33 pm Remember that chick Tiffany? The 80s pop star? Annoying as shit? And now that fucking song is stuck in my head. And it's probably stuck in yours as well, thanks to me putting it in the header. I didn't want to suffer alone.
More useful e-mail:From: Capotesan
Indeed she is.
Subject: in next month's playboy...
http://www.playboy.com/magazine/current/nextmonth.html
She's nekkid.
Which ones the monkey? -- FaaQ @ 7:57 am She recently gave birth after many years of trying for a baby and felt the need to save the animal because she is a devotee of the Hindu monkey god Hanuman. The monkey was found almost dead by her woodcutter husband in a forest clearing outside Chandrapur village in Tripura state. The Pragati newspaper reports hundreds of people have turned up to see Das feed the monkey
Oh great just what the world needs, a beastiality based religion. Namita Das says she was spurred to suckle it by a combination of maternal and religious feelings.
Does anyone else find this somewhat disturbing? I mean come on lady, buy a fucking bottle and feed the monkey. No need to get your jollies. But on the other hand, if so many people want to watch, you might as well charge a fee. At any rate, she's got some flapjacks and I wouldn't be all that happy sucking on them if I was that little monkey.**Edit By Sharkey** : Sorry guys, I had to downsize that image for two reasons. One, it's massive size. Two, there was a really heinous old woman tit on my site, which does not make breakfast taste any better. If you really want to see it, click on the image. But unless you're looking to use it in a really fucked up Photoshop project, I suggest that you leave this one alone.
