I hate the phrase “It is what it is.” Don’t get me wrong, as unbelievable as it may sound I’m a big fan of brevity. Brevity is the key to comedy, I feel, because in using it effectively one must convey the exact concept and emotive stimuli that one would achieve with a more descriptive set of words. In that last sentence, for example, I could have just said “you have to say what you mean” and saved us all a lot of time. Unfortunately for everyone involved, I have an ego that feeds on forcing others to hang on his every word for as long as possible. See, you’re still doing it now. Dance, monkey, dance for my amusement!

Now I can admit that “It is what it is” started off with good intentions. In a few rare circumstances it may have even been used artfully, poignantly perhaps to describe a situation where the subject poetically revealed itself to be equal to the sum of its parts. Unfortunately, the phrase isn’t used by Nobel Laureates, but by common idiots who use it as punctuation to a fucking sentence about anything undesirable in their lives.

“My job sucks you know, day in day out. But, it is what it is.”
“Housing market keeps sliding, stock market keeps diving, and I keep losing money. But hey, it is what it is.”
“Sharkey, you’re stabbing me in the stomach with a broken beer bottle for saying ‘it is what it is’, which I’m sure means the end of our friendship, and possibly my life. But you know… it is what it is.”

Morons. The whole lot of you, morons. Unless you don’t use that phrase, in which case my opinion on your intelligence is inconclusive.

So over Thanksgiving I attempted to call my father a couple of times, as his birthday is just before that particular holiday. He didn’t return my calls right away (who would right? HAR HAR HAR) and so it was at around 9:30 on Thanksgiving night, while I was lit up on wine with my friends, that he called with his monthly check-in. He gave me the same line about missing me and wishing that we could see each other more often that he’s been feeding me since I was 13, and the conversation ended with this:

“Boy I sure do miss you pal. I know we’re only two hours away, but it seems like two weeks sometimes. But, it is what it is though, right?”

I had to cradle the phone to stifle my laughter, and in retrospect I shouldn’t have bothered with the coverup. The guy had used a phrase, which I had verbally lambasted with friends for its stupidity a mere hour before, to sum up years of being a shitty father. I could barely contain the joy I felt inside. It had a literal cathartic effect on me, as I suddenly felt a superiority over this man that years in expensive therapy probably would have given me, gratis. Not to mention the awesome story it provided.

So of course I told my good friend Bongweasel, upon his return from his holiday shenanigans, because rather than posting on this site we both just convey these things to one another nowadays. He was dreading a lunch date with his ex, who was in town for the weekend, which was sure to end in some sort of tragedy. Thankfully for him, she’s a lunatic and the fight precluded the lunch altogether, which put a dash on the whole reunion.

Bongweasel: so she eventually called, after a few txts back and forth fighting, and went in to the whole “whatever. it doesn’t even matter. it’s over, let’s move on. have a good life”
Bongweasel: oh, and the best fucking part, she said “it is what it is” several times. not even kidding. i almost laughed, which would’ve been very bad
Bongweasel: i wanted to punch you in the face when she said that
Bongweasel: because it’s entirely your fault

I end this post with a plea to you, today, from the bottom of my heart. Please, help me stamp out this phrase. If someone uses it in front of you, mock or slap them (the latter is pretty satisfying) until they flee in terror, and then shout it at them as they run away in tears.